People are born. I work in a deli. most kids, when they are young, wish to achieve a higher dream of being a cowboy, an astronaut, a comic book hero, or stuff like firefighters or police officers. From the womb I was aiming for the ever so high position of part time deli clerk AM. Unfortunately, my aims were shattered by a rigorous schedule in which I could only attain the position of part time deli clerk PM. If I'm good enough my boss won't beat me with an iron stick and my pay stubs will declare AM. Those weeks are the greatest. I achieved my dream.
I wake up every morning, mulling over the dream of the 4 million pounds of Sara Lee Oven Roasted Turkey breast that I sold in said dream. That's right, I wake up, go to work, and come home and dream of working. It's fantastic. The job in which I work is not only an achieved dream, but that of excitement. Grab item, slice item, weigh item, bag item. Rinse and repeat. It truly doesn't get any better than this.
Let me tell you about the people I work with.
First, there's my boss DD. That's a nickname we came up with not because his name begins with a D, but the fact that saying his full name is much to difficult. It's two syllables long, and because Jesus died like 2000 years ago, and the invention of the toaster, it stays at D. D is an international man of mystery. He has a power level of 40,000 and rising with each passing day. The establishment of Arbor day allows him to regenerate lost limbs in the blink of an eye. I seriously think he's an alien. Conjecture between my fellow associates and I have decided that he most likely listens to techno on his drives to and from work. Like Clark Kent to superman D wears glasses and a red apron. He has an uncanny ability to keep his cool while meditating and focusing his ki. One time he got really mad and unleashed a Super Kamehameha and destroyed the entire meat case in 4.2 milliseconds. He has 2 cats that transform into Optimus Prime.
Next up, there's DR. She's secretly an xbox junkie. No matter what the conversation she's talkin' about kill to death ratios, accuracy and her top ranking position in Halo. One time she busted out in an "air guitar hero" rendition of Dragonforce's through the fire and flames and got a 1000000% perfect score and caused the video game crowd to light up bowls and burn bras. You remember the news about the Lawyer that didn't like the Grand Theft Auto games? She look at him and caused him to blow up. Her ability to game is only overshadowed by her amazing ability to have gravity defying hair. We're talking ripped straight out of anime style hair. It stands 40 ft high and razor sharp. Touching it would lead to an eviscerated hand with multiple conformities, contusions, lacerations and a touch of the mneumonic plague for kicks.
DA. She's in charge alot. Like a retired drill instructor, she exudes confidence and commands attention. You know there are those people that say, "I walked 2 miles barefoot uphill both ways in the middle of the blizzard of '39?" I'd believe it. She has an unbelievable eye for detail. Like binoculars style. I've never seen someone wash a window until it actually sparkled. Until now. Just throwing it out there but damn, it was a microscopic spec of cheese dude.... seriously.... Her past is a mystery. So, like the tabloids I can only guess. She was actually born 100 years in the future and she came back from the future via a flux capacitor in a DeLorian DMC-12. She came back from the future in order to change the fact that her scientist friend was killed by terrorists and she was escaping an immenent death. Now in order to blend in with our comparably ancient society, she works in a deli. As the future she came from was much more advanced and therefore had been destroyed in world war 27, she actually has the fire arm proficiency of a US Navy SEAL.
The next person holds a very special place as the only Titanic survivor that no one knows about because she's actually a highlander. She's an immortal, and I use the term "highlander" loosely. She has a 4 ft long sword that can devastate 7 men in one blow. She also has regenerative abilities and unlike actually highlanders, if her head is cut off, she just regrows a new body. You remember in terminator 2 how the evil terminator was made of liquid metal? that's JC. Her record is amazing. She knows Jesus. She was involved in the fall of Rome because she was pissed that they killed him. His dying actually benefited her because she has since, been the sole protector of the ark. Like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade Ark. She was responsible for moving the ancestors of the indians to America. She took over for Joan of Arc when Joan fell sick with seafood poisoning from stupid french frogs. She urged the founding of the United States, and helped Lincoln with the Gettysburg address. She freed the slaves and establis but seeing as History needed to pride Lincoln with something other than being assassinated, J remains unmentioned. She established the federal welfare system. As I previously stated, she was on the Titanic and knows who the second sniper on the grassy knoll was (it was her). She now has retired from major affairs and works in our deli for fun.
Birr High-yez. His name is unusual. I know. Jack of all Trades would describe this gent well. He was born as an only child to a slave. In order to win his freedom he fought for 40 days and 40 nights until the Emperor himself challenged him to a duel mano-a-mano in a cunning match of chess. Birr said, "screw chess" and proceeded to pwn the emperor with his mighty kick to the ankle. As the emperor stood there dazed, Birr proceeded to forward down forward high punch his way to a visceral spinal column rip, decapitating his opponent and holding both head and spinal column high, blood spattering in a burst of gory 1990's effects. Birr proceeded to declare Boston as his home territory and has his name written amongst the great heroes of the Cable 407 union. Like a ninja Birr has the latent ability to disappear at a moments notice to find cable nay payers and disassociated all forms of comcast from those who are too cheap. His hobbies include beanie babies, long walks on the beach and creating cheap taco bell knockoffs called "not taco bell tacos." Hailing from a secret organization only known as the....(so secret the name has not been de classified). Like most spies, Birr has a monologue that breaks the fourth wall in order to keep the viewer informed. For example, if he is slicing meat, his monologue would be establishing the usefulness of C4 a bottle cap and a baggie of fake blood as an effective way to make it look like he got shot in order to see something wicked cool. Hey Now. Alias include 'Birr', 'Bobby Menard', and various forms of words the begin with the letter F. Recently seen in the vinicity of Alex Trebek.
TD is amongst the many who can claim the mustache hall of fame. Right up there with Theodore Roosevelt, Geraldo Rivera, Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, and Hulk Hogan. T spends his day like a bull in a china shop, get out of his way lest you be .... um.... seriously owned. He's really not much of a talker, but I hear Nascar is the latest rage, and well, left hand turns + beer = good time. So the Nascar equation goes, no? T has a very serious quirk. You won't like him when he's angry. If you get him mad, his muscles increase ten fold and all his clothes rip off except his purple boxers. Oh, and he turns green, and seriously owns the army, buildings, and everything else in his past. Lots of destruction occurs. Which makes me wonder, who pays for all that damage, and why is there so much vacant land in which damage can occur? After flying through space to his home planet, he learned it was destroyed, and alas came back to Earth to save us from the non mustachiod people. or something. Rumor has it he revived a dead puppy with his mustache.
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